DEAR YOGESHREE
There was this thing called 'the school run'. It meant that those children who couldn't get themselves to school were ferried to school in the Home's micro-bus. Every staff member who could drive the bus was on the roster to do it, depending on whether you were 'on duty' that morning for the wake-up and breakfast routines. It was a fairly long drive around the outer perimeter of the East London city using a carefully worked out route. Those who needed to be at school first dropped first and all that usual stuff.
We hated it, and so did the kids. They, because they were dependent on the ride in the bright red micro-bus with the name of the Children's Home boldly emblazoned on its sides. We, because the kids invariably showed their early morning anxieties and their displeasure by acting-out, making rude signs to any passing cars if the children passengers stared at them. The school run always held the potential of becoming a behaviour management nightmare.
The whole thing finished up with Tammy being the only one left in the bus and a long drive down Oxford Street, the main road through the city and the main shopping area of East London. In terms of the pecking order among the kids Tammy was usually put into the luggage space at the back of the bus commonly called 'the doggy box'. Her voice was silenced in the din of the other ones.
With the others dropped off, Tammy would move from the back of the bus to the very front so that she could be at my shoulder, hold onto the front seat and see through the windscreen. This part of the school run was usually silent. It was a great privilege.
As usual that morning the shops were just opening and the shop assistants were moving around the smaller stores. I liked driving past the second hand shop owned by the Children's Home just to check the first stiirrings there.
The silence as we drove through the main shopping area was usual.
Then came this little voice in a pleading tone at my shoulder.
"Mr Lodge"
" Please .....buy me an adult!"
Love
Barrie
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Sunday, 24 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE .. Tammy uses symbolic talk
DEAR YOGESHREE
Hi... this is the second in the related Tammy stories to help us toward getting some kind of grasp of the way children will often communicate.
The toilets on the boys and the girls floor were much the same. The children had a habit of forgetting to flush them especially as they always seemed to be in a hurry. They were often left with some fairly unpleasant surprises. Problem was .. few toilets and lots of children.
Downstairs as you entered the building from the rear was a single toilet. It would have been a maid's toilet in the Victorian apartheid hey-day of the Mansion now used as a Children's Home. It was outside in the typically South African tradition for domestics but discreetly still part of the building under a stairwell. The children used it if they were out in the grounds and needed a toilet. It saved the girls from going up two stories to find their toilet .... and when you got caught short, it was a blessing.
The staff always grumbled about having to use the same toilets as the children.
"They are always filthy. There is no way I'm going to use the toilets on the top floor when they are never properly flushed... toilet paper all over the place. When I go there they are always smelly> The toilet near the kitchen, under the steps. If we made that into a staff toilet and only the staff used it, we could keep it decent for ourselves."
So at the time it was a greed by a show of hands and a staff member went into town to buy some little curtains, a 'decent' working lock for the door, some smelly stuff to mask odours and a sign. The children were informed of the new arrangement and a staff member set about making the little room pleasant.
Tammy was five and a half at the time. A wee mite, and for all the world like a small doll... and very cute.
On a Saturday a staff member came in to put the final touches to the new staff facility. Tammy and I watched holding hands as the 'staff" sign was being screwed onto the door. Somehow , it seemed to me, at a place I couldn't then reach, that all was not well with the world . I had no words for it. just a vague sense that something was being proved in this whole thing... and in my newness into child and youth care , I couldn't say what.
Tammy watched with me in silence for a long time. There was a certain amount of struggle with the screws... these Victorian building were mad of stern stuff. So,out came a hammer to fix the sign 'STAFF'.
A break in the hammering gave Tammy a moment. Very quietly she filled the pause.
"Mr Lodge...." ( not 'Uncle Barrie' this time! )
"Is this toilet for human beings?"
Love
Barrie
Hi... this is the second in the related Tammy stories to help us toward getting some kind of grasp of the way children will often communicate.
The toilets on the boys and the girls floor were much the same. The children had a habit of forgetting to flush them especially as they always seemed to be in a hurry. They were often left with some fairly unpleasant surprises. Problem was .. few toilets and lots of children.
Downstairs as you entered the building from the rear was a single toilet. It would have been a maid's toilet in the Victorian apartheid hey-day of the Mansion now used as a Children's Home. It was outside in the typically South African tradition for domestics but discreetly still part of the building under a stairwell. The children used it if they were out in the grounds and needed a toilet. It saved the girls from going up two stories to find their toilet .... and when you got caught short, it was a blessing.
The staff always grumbled about having to use the same toilets as the children.
"They are always filthy. There is no way I'm going to use the toilets on the top floor when they are never properly flushed... toilet paper all over the place. When I go there they are always smelly> The toilet near the kitchen, under the steps. If we made that into a staff toilet and only the staff used it, we could keep it decent for ourselves."
So at the time it was a greed by a show of hands and a staff member went into town to buy some little curtains, a 'decent' working lock for the door, some smelly stuff to mask odours and a sign. The children were informed of the new arrangement and a staff member set about making the little room pleasant.
Tammy was five and a half at the time. A wee mite, and for all the world like a small doll... and very cute.
On a Saturday a staff member came in to put the final touches to the new staff facility. Tammy and I watched holding hands as the 'staff" sign was being screwed onto the door. Somehow , it seemed to me, at a place I couldn't then reach, that all was not well with the world . I had no words for it. just a vague sense that something was being proved in this whole thing... and in my newness into child and youth care , I couldn't say what.
Tammy watched with me in silence for a long time. There was a certain amount of struggle with the screws... these Victorian building were mad of stern stuff. So,out came a hammer to fix the sign 'STAFF'.
A break in the hammering gave Tammy a moment. Very quietly she filled the pause.
"Mr Lodge...." ( not 'Uncle Barrie' this time! )
"Is this toilet for human beings?"
Love
Barrie
Saturday, 23 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE children's behaviour as symbolic communication
DEAR YOGESHREE
This is a revised introduction to a series of stories about the talk and behaviour of a little girl I called 'TAMMY". She is not an individual child but a combination of two children put together to illustrate how children talk and act out in symbols which child and youth care workers have to sometimes follow in a thread or threads and to interpret as messages that the child is unable to express in direct explicit verbal communication
I remember for example only too well, when I first came into child and youth care work from the field of Education and now that I can look back and reflect with better insight into the behaviour of children that there were dozens of acted-out incidents of children's behaviour talking to me of their abuse... and I missed their messages.
The Tammy stories are not told as examples of good practice, but used only to illustrate the symbolic language and behaviour of children .... you have to read the full series of four stories to gather the thread and the meaning of Tammy's message. It is Fewster that says about mentors, " They do not attempt to show the way or assume that they, themselves walk the path of righteousness, for they know that their struggling companions have all that it takes to seek out and discover for themselves" Fewster: 1988, quoted in tutorial letter 106, UNISA lab3 page1of 7 pages).
It is my hope that the 'Tammy' letters will provide some sort of insight into what I mean by the symbolic use that children make of language and behaviour to communicate a message that would otherwise remain inarticulated . The exercise for the child and youth care worker is to learn to read the symbolism in its life-space context It takes careful reflection and a grasp of the idea of symbolic meaning.
Now follows then, the first of the 'Tammy ' incidents:
Although the boys and the girls had separate dormitories, at one time shut off with heavy steel gates, they share the same TV lounge on the boys floor.
It was a Saturday afternoon and a video movie was being shown. Videos and the swimming pool at that time were the panacea for all child care problems of lack of proper stimulation and interaction. There was a distinct order and preference for seating. Best seats in the house were on the couch that directly faced the TV screen. It was always the 'main manne' (boys or girls) that had absolute right to these seats, based on the pecking order in the group. If anyone came into the room, the on on the couch lower in the pecking order automatically got up to make way. I soon learn who the 'main mane' were. I called them 'the Mafia'.
At a good five and a half years of age, Tammy didn't stand a chance .As the Director... even a brand new Director who had not yet earned his stripes, I just about did,... so I sat on the couch.
Tammy came into the room for the first time once the video was well underway. When her eyes had adjusted to the change in the light, she scanned the room to see where she could sit.... Nothing! Every available seat, window-ledge, floor space occupied.
Tammy soon worked it all out and whoop she was on my lap.
Both she and I expected the outcry. "Not fair, Uncle Barrie's girl,.... get off and leave Uncle Barrie alone" But it didn't come. I suppose the rest were too absorbed in the movie to notice or to care. So, slowly the little body relaxed.
It was then that I heard it. A gentle purring sound and I felt warm air flow through my trouser leg. I got the message just as Tammy almost lovingly said:
" O Uncle Barrie!"
" I farted"
Horror. Trapped on the couch, I heard myself say, "Tammy, don't use that word, Say 'let off' or ' had a wind' or something". But I knew these were only words probably more for the sake of the others than anything else, because deep down inside of me I knew.... this was a magical fart.
Tammy's magical fart was indelible.
I had been marked.
Love
Barrie
This is a revised introduction to a series of stories about the talk and behaviour of a little girl I called 'TAMMY". She is not an individual child but a combination of two children put together to illustrate how children talk and act out in symbols which child and youth care workers have to sometimes follow in a thread or threads and to interpret as messages that the child is unable to express in direct explicit verbal communication
I remember for example only too well, when I first came into child and youth care work from the field of Education and now that I can look back and reflect with better insight into the behaviour of children that there were dozens of acted-out incidents of children's behaviour talking to me of their abuse... and I missed their messages.
The Tammy stories are not told as examples of good practice, but used only to illustrate the symbolic language and behaviour of children .... you have to read the full series of four stories to gather the thread and the meaning of Tammy's message. It is Fewster that says about mentors, " They do not attempt to show the way or assume that they, themselves walk the path of righteousness, for they know that their struggling companions have all that it takes to seek out and discover for themselves" Fewster: 1988, quoted in tutorial letter 106, UNISA lab3 page1of 7 pages).
It is my hope that the 'Tammy' letters will provide some sort of insight into what I mean by the symbolic use that children make of language and behaviour to communicate a message that would otherwise remain inarticulated . The exercise for the child and youth care worker is to learn to read the symbolism in its life-space context It takes careful reflection and a grasp of the idea of symbolic meaning.
Now follows then, the first of the 'Tammy ' incidents:
Although the boys and the girls had separate dormitories, at one time shut off with heavy steel gates, they share the same TV lounge on the boys floor.
It was a Saturday afternoon and a video movie was being shown. Videos and the swimming pool at that time were the panacea for all child care problems of lack of proper stimulation and interaction. There was a distinct order and preference for seating. Best seats in the house were on the couch that directly faced the TV screen. It was always the 'main manne' (boys or girls) that had absolute right to these seats, based on the pecking order in the group. If anyone came into the room, the on on the couch lower in the pecking order automatically got up to make way. I soon learn who the 'main mane' were. I called them 'the Mafia'.
At a good five and a half years of age, Tammy didn't stand a chance .As the Director... even a brand new Director who had not yet earned his stripes, I just about did,... so I sat on the couch.
Tammy came into the room for the first time once the video was well underway. When her eyes had adjusted to the change in the light, she scanned the room to see where she could sit.... Nothing! Every available seat, window-ledge, floor space occupied.
Tammy soon worked it all out and whoop she was on my lap.
Both she and I expected the outcry. "Not fair, Uncle Barrie's girl,.... get off and leave Uncle Barrie alone" But it didn't come. I suppose the rest were too absorbed in the movie to notice or to care. So, slowly the little body relaxed.
It was then that I heard it. A gentle purring sound and I felt warm air flow through my trouser leg. I got the message just as Tammy almost lovingly said:
" O Uncle Barrie!"
" I farted"
Horror. Trapped on the couch, I heard myself say, "Tammy, don't use that word, Say 'let off' or ' had a wind' or something". But I knew these were only words probably more for the sake of the others than anything else, because deep down inside of me I knew.... this was a magical fart.
Tammy's magical fart was indelible.
I had been marked.
Love
Barrie
Sunday, 17 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE - a child care inside out story
DEAR YOGESHREE
In my last letter to you, I said that I would share with you some of the 'Aha' moments that I experienced in doing child and youth care work and for this letter a 'from the inside out' Aha moment .
A teenager stole my son's track-suit off the washing-line and stashed it in the hedge to collect from the outside of the property on his way home for the weekend. A child care worker saw him do this. It appeared to me that the worker experienced some delight in having caught him red handed with this new director's son's clothing. My impression was it was seen as an ideal moment to test how the new director would handle a situation which in no way could be ignored. .." just how firmly will he deal with this young thief? The boy deserves it"
So, into my office he was duly dragged and the evidence displayed before me by a child care worker who carried a look of 'Now let's see what you do" look challengingly thrown onto my desk.
The staff gathered in the foyer outside the office hoping to hear the tirade, punishment metered out and a sobbing boy, The drank tea, curious and expectantly.
It so happened that Brian Gannon was a visitor to the home at the time Here was my guru, my mentor representing the best of child care practice. In my office was a boy and a crumpled track-suit., in the foyer was a staff hoping to have their own needs met through me. .. and me feeling trapped and inadequate,. I went to Brian, explained the situation and asked for guidance.
Brain said," Oh, I hate these situations. All I can say to you is.... don't approach this child head on. Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while".
I remembered in my training that there were two approaches that can be used in this type of situation. The one was called the 'bottom of the tower approach'. You start as close to the beginning as possible . Like, "Tell me about when you got this idea to take the track-suit.' The other was the 'top of the tower approach'. I had never used this approach before but it fascinated me. Given a birds eye view of what had happened and where the boy was now,the 'top of the tower' idea is to start there. star where he was now. What did he see, what was he experiencing in his situation right now, this instant, what was his view of his world right now/ What was he experiencing as his world right now/
i decided to do this with my attempt to be reflectively empathetic , To walk his journey in his shoes in the immediate for a while. In practice I had never done this before.
" It must feel terrible and very scary to have people think of you as a thief" was the best I could muster.
On reflection it wasn't very good, but it must have been good-enough. The usual tough guy stance drained away. the tense white knuckles relaxed, the hard stare lowered and the voice was soft. Tears appeared.
For me a change of gear. All the stock phrases of my training were suddenly inadequate. "Tell me about it" and " I guess we had better start at the beginning " and all that were suddenly very inadequate and stupid. So, I sat there somehow feeling pain and fear that I guessed was his painand his fear.
His phrases and words came out as separate, disconnected pieces of a jig-saw puzzle that left me putting together the picture. It took a good while, but I started to gather that there were actually two pictures. The profile hidden at the back of the first picture emerged for me.
On the surface it looked like this,The fellow had a small sister who was to have a birthday that weekend. He wanted to be sure that she had something,at least of a birthday party. When he saw the track-suit in the line, he thought that he could sell it and buy cokes in 2 liter bottles and maybe some other goodies. The family he knew for sure would not be able to do this for her. So he stashed the track-suit in the hedge
It was when I asked him" What made you think that you couldn't ask me?" .that I grasped there was a second picture. Of course there was no answer to that question. ... but for me the second picture started to emerge. This young fellow COULD NOT ask because he didn't know HOW to ask. and couldn't trust himself to ask or to tell his story. Tough guys don't go soft. He knew that he would have demanded coke or money or or threatened, or said" you gotta give me coke" And he knew that it would have just escalated into something nasty with further risks of staff alienation. Considering all the risks including the stripping of his masks in front of his peers, considering everything, taking the track-suit was the better option.
And the staff sat outside the office waiting for their own idea of justice to be metered out - or was it revenge?
Well, he couldn't keep up his pretense of being the macho-man with me any more. The congruence of it had shaken him somewhat.... he knew. I knew. What I had to do, I thought, was to show him that it paid to use the real kid in there. It paid to use the real kid's approach. I put my head out of the office door and. addressed my request to a senior staff member, " Please go get this fellow two 2 Liter cokes and some cakes from the freezer, and let him go home."
Utter disbelief - passive anger, rage. When the place cooled down I stated my case. " You simply have to trust my professional judgement. the technicolour pictures I experience in the privacy of my office and the space that is my professional relationship with him" There was no black and white issue in this as I think was in your minds when you caught him with the track-suit This kind of trust is what is needed among professionals - please."
But for them it was not good enough.
It was good-enough for me however in my journey with this kid. It established a "no more bluff" rapport when we were together and which he could sometimes with risking in the open.
A lot was risked that day Bran Gannon probably wont remember the moment when I asked what I should do, nor , I think, will he remember his reply.. it was a long time ago. But all I can say to you Yogeshree, is:
Don't face this child head on Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while"
Love
Barrie
In my last letter to you, I said that I would share with you some of the 'Aha' moments that I experienced in doing child and youth care work and for this letter a 'from the inside out' Aha moment .
A teenager stole my son's track-suit off the washing-line and stashed it in the hedge to collect from the outside of the property on his way home for the weekend. A child care worker saw him do this. It appeared to me that the worker experienced some delight in having caught him red handed with this new director's son's clothing. My impression was it was seen as an ideal moment to test how the new director would handle a situation which in no way could be ignored. .." just how firmly will he deal with this young thief? The boy deserves it"
So, into my office he was duly dragged and the evidence displayed before me by a child care worker who carried a look of 'Now let's see what you do" look challengingly thrown onto my desk.
The staff gathered in the foyer outside the office hoping to hear the tirade, punishment metered out and a sobbing boy, The drank tea, curious and expectantly.
It so happened that Brian Gannon was a visitor to the home at the time Here was my guru, my mentor representing the best of child care practice. In my office was a boy and a crumpled track-suit., in the foyer was a staff hoping to have their own needs met through me. .. and me feeling trapped and inadequate,. I went to Brian, explained the situation and asked for guidance.
Brain said," Oh, I hate these situations. All I can say to you is.... don't approach this child head on. Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while".
I remembered in my training that there were two approaches that can be used in this type of situation. The one was called the 'bottom of the tower approach'. You start as close to the beginning as possible . Like, "Tell me about when you got this idea to take the track-suit.' The other was the 'top of the tower approach'. I had never used this approach before but it fascinated me. Given a birds eye view of what had happened and where the boy was now,the 'top of the tower' idea is to start there. star where he was now. What did he see, what was he experiencing in his situation right now, this instant, what was his view of his world right now/ What was he experiencing as his world right now/
i decided to do this with my attempt to be reflectively empathetic , To walk his journey in his shoes in the immediate for a while. In practice I had never done this before.
" It must feel terrible and very scary to have people think of you as a thief" was the best I could muster.
On reflection it wasn't very good, but it must have been good-enough. The usual tough guy stance drained away. the tense white knuckles relaxed, the hard stare lowered and the voice was soft. Tears appeared.
For me a change of gear. All the stock phrases of my training were suddenly inadequate. "Tell me about it" and " I guess we had better start at the beginning " and all that were suddenly very inadequate and stupid. So, I sat there somehow feeling pain and fear that I guessed was his painand his fear.
His phrases and words came out as separate, disconnected pieces of a jig-saw puzzle that left me putting together the picture. It took a good while, but I started to gather that there were actually two pictures. The profile hidden at the back of the first picture emerged for me.
On the surface it looked like this,The fellow had a small sister who was to have a birthday that weekend. He wanted to be sure that she had something,at least of a birthday party. When he saw the track-suit in the line, he thought that he could sell it and buy cokes in 2 liter bottles and maybe some other goodies. The family he knew for sure would not be able to do this for her. So he stashed the track-suit in the hedge
It was when I asked him" What made you think that you couldn't ask me?" .that I grasped there was a second picture. Of course there was no answer to that question. ... but for me the second picture started to emerge. This young fellow COULD NOT ask because he didn't know HOW to ask. and couldn't trust himself to ask or to tell his story. Tough guys don't go soft. He knew that he would have demanded coke or money or or threatened, or said" you gotta give me coke" And he knew that it would have just escalated into something nasty with further risks of staff alienation. Considering all the risks including the stripping of his masks in front of his peers, considering everything, taking the track-suit was the better option.
And the staff sat outside the office waiting for their own idea of justice to be metered out - or was it revenge?
Well, he couldn't keep up his pretense of being the macho-man with me any more. The congruence of it had shaken him somewhat.... he knew. I knew. What I had to do, I thought, was to show him that it paid to use the real kid in there. It paid to use the real kid's approach. I put my head out of the office door and. addressed my request to a senior staff member, " Please go get this fellow two 2 Liter cokes and some cakes from the freezer, and let him go home."
Utter disbelief - passive anger, rage. When the place cooled down I stated my case. " You simply have to trust my professional judgement. the technicolour pictures I experience in the privacy of my office and the space that is my professional relationship with him" There was no black and white issue in this as I think was in your minds when you caught him with the track-suit This kind of trust is what is needed among professionals - please."
But for them it was not good enough.
It was good-enough for me however in my journey with this kid. It established a "no more bluff" rapport when we were together and which he could sometimes with risking in the open.
A lot was risked that day Bran Gannon probably wont remember the moment when I asked what I should do, nor , I think, will he remember his reply.. it was a long time ago. But all I can say to you Yogeshree, is:
Don't face this child head on Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while"
Love
Barrie
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE - inside out in chid and youth care work
DEAR YOGESHREE
You must be very pleased that everything is going so well for you. The work that you have accepted at the drop-in facility is an ideal place to get first hand child and youth care experience, whist your part-time lecturing position will give you a place to real experiences with young people into you the theoretical component of your teaching materials.
I cant remember where I read this, but I know it came from an African source. Roughly the quotation is something like this: We do not learn most effectively from logic or rational argument, but rather from being exposed to sensitive images. This is clearly African but probably universally helpful. In our profession these sensitive images are most likely stories that tell of life-space encounters with children and young people which talk to us and others about the human condition.The most powerful moments and the most helpful stories are those that change our and other's view of life.
When I reflect over what must be a thousand incidents, a few stand out as life changing. Used reflectively, those incidents become milestones, light-houses, beacons in making me who I am and how I have learnt to respond to children and youth.
I want to share these moments, these stories with you.I have a hope that you will be able to use them in your lecturing material if they are relevant and useful. I am also hoping that they may help to give you "aha" moments and they did for me.
But first I want to pick-up again on the theme of motivation and self-awareness.
Some scholars in the field of motivation the caring professions go time and time again to the idea that many care-workers have a need to care for others because they are unconsciously hoping that being in a caring environment may help them with some of the issues of their own hurt.
These people would come in for interview and say, " I've been where these children have been and and I can help them because it is my experience also..
It was my worry that living through the incidents of hurt in the lives of the children would trigger again their unfinished business , open old wounds and make them too introspective to be useful to the child.
I always liked to think that the care workers doing the best work with children and young people were not doing it from this level of motivation.
But that was not always the case.
There are carers who had experienced 'the valley of tears' and somehow really come to terms with their hurts and somehow risen above their personal suffering and come to terms with it.. These people worked in child and youth care at another level of motivation and skill. These care givers knew who they were, what to expect when they encountered the pain of others and were able to be truly empathetic. and they did this at a depth of empathy that allowed them to grasp the experience of the child through the child's world view. These care workers were really able to walk a journey with the child because they have an uncanny way of getting under the child's skin and working with the child from what I call . the inside out'. They say things and do things in their interaction that reflect to the child that they are right there in the centre of the child's being and walking his journey with him.
I am sure that the care workers have to come to a point where they know, and yet be at some kind of peace with their own feelings, and in the moment to allow that energy to be useful to children and to others.
My next letter will tell a story of such a moment.
Love
Barrie
You must be very pleased that everything is going so well for you. The work that you have accepted at the drop-in facility is an ideal place to get first hand child and youth care experience, whist your part-time lecturing position will give you a place to real experiences with young people into you the theoretical component of your teaching materials.
I cant remember where I read this, but I know it came from an African source. Roughly the quotation is something like this: We do not learn most effectively from logic or rational argument, but rather from being exposed to sensitive images. This is clearly African but probably universally helpful. In our profession these sensitive images are most likely stories that tell of life-space encounters with children and young people which talk to us and others about the human condition.The most powerful moments and the most helpful stories are those that change our and other's view of life.
When I reflect over what must be a thousand incidents, a few stand out as life changing. Used reflectively, those incidents become milestones, light-houses, beacons in making me who I am and how I have learnt to respond to children and youth.
I want to share these moments, these stories with you.I have a hope that you will be able to use them in your lecturing material if they are relevant and useful. I am also hoping that they may help to give you "aha" moments and they did for me.
But first I want to pick-up again on the theme of motivation and self-awareness.
Some scholars in the field of motivation the caring professions go time and time again to the idea that many care-workers have a need to care for others because they are unconsciously hoping that being in a caring environment may help them with some of the issues of their own hurt.
These people would come in for interview and say, " I've been where these children have been and and I can help them because it is my experience also..
It was my worry that living through the incidents of hurt in the lives of the children would trigger again their unfinished business , open old wounds and make them too introspective to be useful to the child.
I always liked to think that the care workers doing the best work with children and young people were not doing it from this level of motivation.
But that was not always the case.
There are carers who had experienced 'the valley of tears' and somehow really come to terms with their hurts and somehow risen above their personal suffering and come to terms with it.. These people worked in child and youth care at another level of motivation and skill. These care givers knew who they were, what to expect when they encountered the pain of others and were able to be truly empathetic. and they did this at a depth of empathy that allowed them to grasp the experience of the child through the child's world view. These care workers were really able to walk a journey with the child because they have an uncanny way of getting under the child's skin and working with the child from what I call . the inside out'. They say things and do things in their interaction that reflect to the child that they are right there in the centre of the child's being and walking his journey with him.
I am sure that the care workers have to come to a point where they know, and yet be at some kind of peace with their own feelings, and in the moment to allow that energy to be useful to children and to others.
My next letter will tell a story of such a moment.
Love
Barrie
Sunday, 10 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE: knowing yourself in child and youth care work
DEAR YOGESHREE
In my last letter to you I said that the starting point in "starting-out" in this work , if you are to be one of those people who really make a difference, is your motivation to be in the profession But I think that there is another pre-requisite if you are to stay in it when the going gets tough..... it's "knowing yourself" , or at very least, allowing yourself to know yourself.
I think we all come into this work somewhat starry eyed and have expectations about the nature of the work and about ourselves. I have experienced time and time again, people who come in thinking that they know themselves only to find that the experience of the work with distressed and so distressing young people, opens to them parts of self that were previously hidden Sometimes when the going gets tough, even those who see themselves as tough, get going..... some literally, into their rooms, behind doors, into their car, drive off, or worse, pack their bags and leave overnight. Others sometimes, react in ways that surprise themselves and others.
I think it has to do with wrong expectations about the nature of the work and this is tied to the idea of self.
My way of testing out the boundaries of reactive outrage and to dispel any wrong expectations about the nature of the work...... I always made it my business to hire negatively.to paint worst case scenarios for applicants into the agency.
"You will be threatened and so will your wife. There are guys that can be insultive and at times and assaultive."
" It,s alright . I can take it."
" I want to tell you that it is very hard when things and beliefs that you hold dear to you are challenged, like your ideas about God and religion and sexual behaviours.......let me tell you about the first time I came across bestiality in one of the houses............."
You are Christian and you will experience a number of challenges to what you hold dear to you. There is sometimes a whole lot of things like demonisation, witchcraft, slaughter and also Satanism in the work that you encounter."
" No problem, we are protected "
"Don't misunderstand. It's not that you will simply have to get accustomed to having these things around you and in your face, but that you will have to interact with them as individuals in ways that are helpful and growing for them.... we call it healing... and supportive."
" Good. That's what I have been called by God to do."
"At the moment, in the unit that you will be allocated to there are young people showing all these behaviours ..... almost like a kind of institiutional syndrome; threatening, violent, assaultive. .. different sexual practices.. These thing often go with drug-taking - so there's a lot of work to be done with them."
" I believe that this is my calling.... my ministry"
That's is exactly what I thought too when I came into the work of child and youth care... it was my calling, my ministry, my destiny so to speak.
But I soon learnt that I had issues within myself that had to be dealt with somehow. and hopefully dealt with positively and in a way useful to the young people.
In Johannesburg, when the honeymoon period was over, one of my inner fears was that I would get hurt physically -or more that my family would get hurt. I really didn't deal well with threats of aggression and with aggression. I wanted and often tried to avoid aggression, even confrontation .. I wanted others to do that for me.
Of, course it couldn't be avoided and I had to find ways of responding to it with as much inner and outer calm I could muster. Within a year of constantly having to face and deal with my fear and my forever pounding heart, I was able to deal with it, But for me the pendulum swung in the opposite direction, I started to think that I didn't easily get hurt or injured. We were visiting a family once in a very rough situation and place and the social worker said "I'm not worried, I don't get shot easily". That is how I felt," I don't get shot easily" I lost all fear of getting hurt and that was not a good thing.
Actually, I then found that I was more afraid of strong feelings expressed by the staff. than I was of facing aggressive, assaultive behaviour in the boys. I started to experience strong feeling expressed in the young people as opportunities. But, ... expressed to me by the staff. This to me was threatening and painful.... and so it goes on...
The mirror that is held up and reflects the self as a result of the work we do makes work for us in itself. Nobody told me that the work we do with ourselves in this profession was going to be as important as the work we do with young people.
But it is. ... and it is ongoing....... work in progress...
My advice is two-fold. Do become reflective around yourself and your reactions inside you and try to find links between them and your own history. And, use personal supervision as a safe place to help you deal with your unfolding self.
Love
Barrie .
In my last letter to you I said that the starting point in "starting-out" in this work , if you are to be one of those people who really make a difference, is your motivation to be in the profession But I think that there is another pre-requisite if you are to stay in it when the going gets tough..... it's "knowing yourself" , or at very least, allowing yourself to know yourself.
I think we all come into this work somewhat starry eyed and have expectations about the nature of the work and about ourselves. I have experienced time and time again, people who come in thinking that they know themselves only to find that the experience of the work with distressed and so distressing young people, opens to them parts of self that were previously hidden Sometimes when the going gets tough, even those who see themselves as tough, get going..... some literally, into their rooms, behind doors, into their car, drive off, or worse, pack their bags and leave overnight. Others sometimes, react in ways that surprise themselves and others.
I think it has to do with wrong expectations about the nature of the work and this is tied to the idea of self.
My way of testing out the boundaries of reactive outrage and to dispel any wrong expectations about the nature of the work...... I always made it my business to hire negatively.to paint worst case scenarios for applicants into the agency.
"You will be threatened and so will your wife. There are guys that can be insultive and at times and assaultive."
" It,s alright . I can take it."
" I want to tell you that it is very hard when things and beliefs that you hold dear to you are challenged, like your ideas about God and religion and sexual behaviours.......let me tell you about the first time I came across bestiality in one of the houses............."
You are Christian and you will experience a number of challenges to what you hold dear to you. There is sometimes a whole lot of things like demonisation, witchcraft, slaughter and also Satanism in the work that you encounter."
" No problem, we are protected "
"Don't misunderstand. It's not that you will simply have to get accustomed to having these things around you and in your face, but that you will have to interact with them as individuals in ways that are helpful and growing for them.... we call it healing... and supportive."
" Good. That's what I have been called by God to do."
"At the moment, in the unit that you will be allocated to there are young people showing all these behaviours ..... almost like a kind of institiutional syndrome; threatening, violent, assaultive. .. different sexual practices.. These thing often go with drug-taking - so there's a lot of work to be done with them."
" I believe that this is my calling.... my ministry"
That's is exactly what I thought too when I came into the work of child and youth care... it was my calling, my ministry, my destiny so to speak.
But I soon learnt that I had issues within myself that had to be dealt with somehow. and hopefully dealt with positively and in a way useful to the young people.
In Johannesburg, when the honeymoon period was over, one of my inner fears was that I would get hurt physically -or more that my family would get hurt. I really didn't deal well with threats of aggression and with aggression. I wanted and often tried to avoid aggression, even confrontation .. I wanted others to do that for me.
Of, course it couldn't be avoided and I had to find ways of responding to it with as much inner and outer calm I could muster. Within a year of constantly having to face and deal with my fear and my forever pounding heart, I was able to deal with it, But for me the pendulum swung in the opposite direction, I started to think that I didn't easily get hurt or injured. We were visiting a family once in a very rough situation and place and the social worker said "I'm not worried, I don't get shot easily". That is how I felt," I don't get shot easily" I lost all fear of getting hurt and that was not a good thing.
Actually, I then found that I was more afraid of strong feelings expressed by the staff. than I was of facing aggressive, assaultive behaviour in the boys. I started to experience strong feeling expressed in the young people as opportunities. But, ... expressed to me by the staff. This to me was threatening and painful.... and so it goes on...
The mirror that is held up and reflects the self as a result of the work we do makes work for us in itself. Nobody told me that the work we do with ourselves in this profession was going to be as important as the work we do with young people.
But it is. ... and it is ongoing....... work in progress...
My advice is two-fold. Do become reflective around yourself and your reactions inside you and try to find links between them and your own history. And, use personal supervision as a safe place to help you deal with your unfolding self.
Love
Barrie .
Thursday, 7 February 2013
DEAR YOGESHREE,Why did you choose child and youth care work
DEAR YOGESHREE
The place where it all starts is your motivation. Your reason for starting this work in the first place. If your motivation isn't genuinely right then you can be sure that any hurt that you experience through being a child and youth care worker and working with hurting children, can be quite damaging to you personally. If your motivation is right, then you are more likely to stay in the profession through its sorrows and its joys.
The reality is that you CAN get hurt in this profession. Before you actually come into the reality of working with other peoples raw emotions and feelings no-one can really describe it to you. My mentor said to me before I came into the work . "I can't tell you what it is really like. You have to experience it yourself... all I can tell you is that it is not a Sunday School picnic.You don't spend your time just playing with children"
What I found was that my hurt came about when almost everything that I held dear to to me was challenged. My personal values, beliefs and ethics were challenged. Sometimes the children and their behaviour challenged my idea of what was right and important quite directly.......and at other times I found that there was a sort of insidious shift in what I held to be good when I first came into the work... I was part of a new "normality". I found myself defending and sympathetic to what would have caused me to be outraged before I came into the work. When our personally held values are challenged both by the young people in our care and often by the agency itself, then a lot of people leave .
I once had a social worker who left because she told her husband that there were kids in the home that were either into Satanism or practicing it secretly He told her to leave as she couldn't work in such a place.
So whether you stay or leave depends on your motivation for coming in, or your changed motivation once you are in.Some of us bounce back some drop out to nurse their wounds .. Your motivation decides whether you stay focused and effective.
So you have to do some soul searching before you come in. and be prepared to have to face who you really are and what you are about and what drives you.
It is difficult to pinpoint the motives that work for everyone in child and youth care work. A lot of people define them in sort of spiritual terms . Its not a job its a "calling" they say.
I think that you must at least "like " children and youth. You must will be working with some children and young people who make themselves un-loveable" as part of who they are. So you have to be driven to keep on liking them especially when they are at their very worst. You have to be driven to make connections and relationships with children who by their very 'now' nature try to test, avoid, challenge or distort those connections and relationships.
It seems to me that it all has to do with recognising that we all share a common humanity and that we are all part of the valley of tears together and that from the beginning you are motivated, want to be a fellow traveler on the journeys of these children in a very special way no matter what !
This then bring us to the second of the core motivations that seem to drive the people that really make a difference in the lives of children and young people. They want to be really good at what they do. It seems strange that the unselfishness of the first is paradoxically in bed with the second core motivation. They are driven to be the best. The value their practice , the knowledge and skill on which it is founded . They want to be professional and set high standards for themselves in their interactions and interventions. These child and youth care workers often are driven to be super self aware. and reflective so that they can know whats going on inside of themselves personally and yet be "in the shoes", the feelings and the world of the children they work with, They deal with their own feelings later, especially in supervision.
If I can refer to myself. I found that the values and ethics of the profession started to merge with the person I was becoming so that I found it sometimes difficult to distinguish between them. When the values and the beliefs of the profession became my values and beliefs, that is when I started to get hurt less personally.
And finally, another core motive appears to be a drive, a wish to model a new world in which people live in dignity and freedom, with a very strong desire for democracy and a climate of "AGAPE" love... these child and youth care workers stay in the profession because with the other motivations that they have, they appear to be motivated not just to be a facilitator, an agent for change in the lives of children and young people, but an agent and a facilitator who will somehow contribute to building a new world
Love
Barrie
The place where it all starts is your motivation. Your reason for starting this work in the first place. If your motivation isn't genuinely right then you can be sure that any hurt that you experience through being a child and youth care worker and working with hurting children, can be quite damaging to you personally. If your motivation is right, then you are more likely to stay in the profession through its sorrows and its joys.
The reality is that you CAN get hurt in this profession. Before you actually come into the reality of working with other peoples raw emotions and feelings no-one can really describe it to you. My mentor said to me before I came into the work . "I can't tell you what it is really like. You have to experience it yourself... all I can tell you is that it is not a Sunday School picnic.You don't spend your time just playing with children"
What I found was that my hurt came about when almost everything that I held dear to to me was challenged. My personal values, beliefs and ethics were challenged. Sometimes the children and their behaviour challenged my idea of what was right and important quite directly.......and at other times I found that there was a sort of insidious shift in what I held to be good when I first came into the work... I was part of a new "normality". I found myself defending and sympathetic to what would have caused me to be outraged before I came into the work. When our personally held values are challenged both by the young people in our care and often by the agency itself, then a lot of people leave .
I once had a social worker who left because she told her husband that there were kids in the home that were either into Satanism or practicing it secretly He told her to leave as she couldn't work in such a place.
So whether you stay or leave depends on your motivation for coming in, or your changed motivation once you are in.Some of us bounce back some drop out to nurse their wounds .. Your motivation decides whether you stay focused and effective.
So you have to do some soul searching before you come in. and be prepared to have to face who you really are and what you are about and what drives you.
It is difficult to pinpoint the motives that work for everyone in child and youth care work. A lot of people define them in sort of spiritual terms . Its not a job its a "calling" they say.
I think that you must at least "like " children and youth. You must will be working with some children and young people who make themselves un-loveable" as part of who they are. So you have to be driven to keep on liking them especially when they are at their very worst. You have to be driven to make connections and relationships with children who by their very 'now' nature try to test, avoid, challenge or distort those connections and relationships.
It seems to me that it all has to do with recognising that we all share a common humanity and that we are all part of the valley of tears together and that from the beginning you are motivated, want to be a fellow traveler on the journeys of these children in a very special way no matter what !
This then bring us to the second of the core motivations that seem to drive the people that really make a difference in the lives of children and young people. They want to be really good at what they do. It seems strange that the unselfishness of the first is paradoxically in bed with the second core motivation. They are driven to be the best. The value their practice , the knowledge and skill on which it is founded . They want to be professional and set high standards for themselves in their interactions and interventions. These child and youth care workers often are driven to be super self aware. and reflective so that they can know whats going on inside of themselves personally and yet be "in the shoes", the feelings and the world of the children they work with, They deal with their own feelings later, especially in supervision.
If I can refer to myself. I found that the values and ethics of the profession started to merge with the person I was becoming so that I found it sometimes difficult to distinguish between them. When the values and the beliefs of the profession became my values and beliefs, that is when I started to get hurt less personally.
And finally, another core motive appears to be a drive, a wish to model a new world in which people live in dignity and freedom, with a very strong desire for democracy and a climate of "AGAPE" love... these child and youth care workers stay in the profession because with the other motivations that they have, they appear to be motivated not just to be a facilitator, an agent for change in the lives of children and young people, but an agent and a facilitator who will somehow contribute to building a new world
Love
Barrie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)