DEAR YOGESHREE - a child care inside out story

DEAR YOGESHREE

In my last letter to you, I said that I would share with you some of the 'Aha' moments that I experienced in doing child and youth care work and for this letter a 'from the inside out'  Aha moment .

A teenager stole my son's track-suit off the washing-line and stashed it in the hedge to collect from the outside of the property on his way home for the weekend. A child care worker saw him do this. It appeared to me that the worker experienced some delight in having caught him red handed with this new director's son's clothing. My impression was it was seen as an ideal moment to test how the new director would handle a situation which in no way could be ignored. .." just how firmly will he deal with this young thief?  The boy deserves it"

So, into my office he was duly dragged and the evidence displayed before me by a child care worker who carried a look of 'Now let's see what you do" look challengingly thrown onto my desk.

The staff gathered in the foyer outside the office hoping to hear the tirade, punishment metered out and a sobbing boy, The drank tea, curious and expectantly.

It so happened that Brian Gannon was a visitor to the home at the time Here was my guru, my mentor representing the best of child care practice. In my office was a boy and a crumpled track-suit., in the foyer was a staff hoping to have their own needs met through me. .. and me feeling trapped and inadequate,. I went to Brian, explained the situation and asked for guidance.

Brain said," Oh, I hate these situations. All I can say to you is.... don't approach this child head on. Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while".  

I remembered in my training that there were two approaches that can be used in this type of situation. The one was called the 'bottom of the tower approach'. You start as close to the beginning as possible . Like, "Tell me about when you got this idea to take the track-suit.' The other was the 'top of the tower approach'. I had never used this approach before but it fascinated me. Given a birds eye view of what had happened and where the boy was now,the 'top of the tower'  idea is to start there. star where he was now. What did he see, what was he experiencing in his situation right now, this instant, what was his view of his world right now/ What was he experiencing as his world right now/

i decided to do this with my attempt to be reflectively empathetic , To walk his journey in his shoes in the immediate for a while. In practice I had never done this before.

" It must feel terrible and very scary to have people think of you as a thief" was the best I could muster.

On reflection it wasn't very good, but it must have been good-enough. The usual tough guy stance drained away. the tense white knuckles relaxed, the hard stare lowered and the voice was soft. Tears appeared.

For me a change of gear. All the stock phrases of my training were suddenly inadequate. "Tell me about it" and " I guess we had better start at the beginning " and all that were suddenly very inadequate and stupid. So, I sat there somehow feeling pain and fear that I guessed was his painand his fear.

 His phrases and words came out as separate, disconnected pieces of a jig-saw puzzle that left me putting together the picture. It took a good while, but I started to gather that there were actually two pictures. The  profile  hidden at the back of the first picture emerged for me.

On the surface it looked like this,The fellow had a small sister who was to have a birthday that weekend. He wanted to be sure that she had something,at least of a birthday party. When he saw the track-suit in the line, he thought that he could sell it and buy cokes in 2 liter bottles and maybe some other goodies. The family he knew for sure would not be able to do this for her. So he stashed the track-suit in the hedge

It was when I asked him" What made you think that you couldn't ask me?" .that I grasped  there was a second picture. Of course there was no answer to that question. ... but for me the second picture started to emerge. This young fellow COULD NOT ask because he didn't know HOW to ask.  and couldn't trust himself to ask or to tell his story. Tough guys don't go soft. He knew that he would have demanded coke or money or or threatened, or said" you gotta give me coke" And he knew that it would have just escalated into something nasty with further risks of staff alienation. Considering all the risks including the stripping of his masks in front of his peers, considering everything, taking the track-suit was the better option.

And the staff sat outside the office waiting for their own idea of justice to be metered out - or was it revenge?

Well, he couldn't keep up his pretense of being the macho-man with me any more. The congruence of it had shaken him somewhat.... he knew. I knew. What I had to do, I thought, was to show him that it paid to use the real kid in there. It paid to use the real kid's approach. I put my head out of the office door and. addressed my request to a senior staff member, " Please go get this fellow two 2 Liter cokes and some cakes from the freezer, and let him go home."

Utter disbelief - passive anger, rage. When the place cooled down I stated my case. " You simply have to trust my professional judgement. the technicolour pictures I experience in the privacy of my office and the space that is my professional relationship with him" There was no black and white issue in this as I think was in your minds when you caught him with the track-suit This kind of trust is what is needed among professionals - please."

But for them it was not good enough.

It was good-enough for me however in my journey with this kid. It established  a "no more bluff" rapport when we were together and which he could sometimes with risking in the open.

A lot was risked that day  Bran Gannon probably wont remember the moment when I asked what I should do, nor , I think, will he remember his reply.. it was a long time ago. But all I can say to you Yogeshree, is:

Don't face this child head on  Turn around and walk his journey with him for a while"

Love

Barrie