In the blog "WORDS WE USE" the phrase "We love them good" was used in a child and youth care setting which I called " a family setting". It got me going on the word 'love' as it crops up in child and you care work.
I can't forget a moment when, in a well known baby sanctuary in Johannesburg, it was said at a Board meeting "If we put a child on Nelson Mandela's lap for a photograph, we can attract a lot of funds". "In my setting", I was tempted to say, " If I put one of my guys on Nelson Mandela's lap, he'll pick his pocket."
Considering this, when the reason for applying was "I love children". I would respond " "These young people might be the very different to love...will you cope if they......?"
In the 14th Century, old English epic poem called Tales of the Green Knight , also known as Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, there is a character called The Nun. On her habit, across her forehead was inscribed Amor Vincit Omnia. ...."Love conquers All". it 's a deliberate play on the word "Love". The different meanings adding a touch of humour in the poem and a double possible interpretation of the nun's character. Her surrender to divine love verses her having surrendered to sexual love.
I had on my shelf a book called The 11 Love styles. In a google search I found an article called 36 definitions of love. I mention the 36 definitions and 11 styles to highlight the extent of the possible confusion. In child and youth care the multiple shades of styles, language, meaning, experience and understanding of love could lead to similar confused interpretation with implications in practice. Especially as at the moment of intervention, the different styles and language of love within the young person and within the child and youth care worker, engage.
Let's start with love styles. I rather like the classic model of the psychologist John Alan Lee in his Color Wheel Theory of Love.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/color_wheel_theory_of_love
He suggests 3 Primary styles of love, 3 secondary and 9 tertiary.
His three primary styles are Eros, Ludus and Storge.
The three secondary, Mania, Pragma and Agape.
The 9 tertiary styles are combinations of these.
It 's worth looking very briefly at the primary and secondary love styles.
Eros: very strong physical and emotional connection in relationships. A stranger may immediately evoke strong excitement. Could be an exclusive but not a possessive relationship.
Ludus: meaning game or school. Love style is to look for fun with each other in the relationship. Could include teasing, activities, getting attention is part of the game and part of experiencing the relationship as love.
Storge: is familial love. Style is to grow commitment. "Quietly possessive" love through friendship, which becomes sexual only after commitment is declared".
Secondary styles
Mania: love style is possessive and co-dependent. May but not necessarily, be associated with a mental disorder.
Agape: The love style is characterised by the person having no self-interest and considerable concern for the other in the relationship. It is a love style that unconditionally accepts the other as a partner and as a part of humanity.
Pragma: businesslike. Looks for the relationship and what is given in it, to be returned. Style in which it is believed that getting on can be 'worked out'.
The 9 tertiary styles are combinations of these.
Now for the language of love.
The question on Facebook was just that "What is the language of love?". I interpreted that to mean "In a relationship how is love communicated to another?" Considering the love styles, this could well be communicated and experienced in a different way in each of the styles. A child of about 8 years once said to me "If you cant control me you cant care for me." Her expectation of the communication of love/caring in the relationship was that she would experience the other in the action of holding her, as managing and containing her within reasonable behavioural boundaries. For her, love is communicated through action, through doing and so to allow her to feel safe from her scary self. some Facebook responses to the question said exactly that. "It's a doing word".
One response I enjoyed, read "There are 5 love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch and acts of service." ( Ntombi Myeni 27 Sepember 2020). This sounds like Agape love style to me. And what I liked about it mostly was that it seemed to come close to a professional relationship that may well be called love and experienced as such by both young person and child and youth care worker. It also rang bells for me because it seemed to resound with the broad definition love as "deeply tender, passionate warm, personal attachment". Note: Affection is regarded as a step beyond. It has to do with feelings of closeness and passion. Love is kind, affection is passionate.
It resounded with me also because it spoke to me of compassion.
I found it in Greater Good Magazine (https//greatergood.berkely.edu/topic/compassion/definition. Undated, Author unknown
"Compassion literally means "to suffer together"....It is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another's suffering and are motivated to relieve that suffering.'...not the same as empathy or altruism though the concepts are related."
Considering the complexity of the term Love, it is essential the we as professionals interrogate ourselves, our own inherent styles and communication, our love language and our "doing".
I think that if a young person experiences us as professionally compassionate it could safely be called "Love" and what the young person experiences will be experienced as '"Love".
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