CAN WE CRY?....CHILD AND YOUTH CARE IN SOUTH AFRICA

A social media post with pics  told that a young boy stabbed a teacher to death. A follow-up post showed a pic of the boy. It said that the youngster died of epilepsy. I wept. I wept for the boy. I wept for the teacher. I wept for the the whole horrendous situation. I wept at the comments which said, mainly, "If this is true, then he deserved it." "Revenge is sweet". I couldn't help it. The tears just came. 

It was much the same when a news report told of a driver of a bus which overturned. Nine people died in that incident. The driver was found hiding in the back of a truck. He was arrested and taken into custody.
 I seem to live my life a moment away from tears. But, I said to myself, "This is OK, I'm in the privacy of my own home."

I was once visiting at a hospital when a patient died. The nurse drew the curtains around the bed, went into the glass enclosed duty room and sobbed. She was comforted by the other nurses.We could all see. I thought "professionally you don't do that" - at least she did try to make it private.

Is it OK for professionals to cry. Is it OK for us, as professional child and youth care workers, to cry?" 

I have cried on a few occasions. .....once openly sobbed.

We ran, what we called disciplinary enquiries" for young persons, especially the older ones if the incident warranted it. The idea was to mirror for them what would happen in the workplace ....an experience in a safe microcosm of  life in the big world out there. 

The boy, near on 18, didn't come back after a weekend at his parent's house. He was 5 days late! I the course of the whole thing of "why?" It struck me that he had no experience of anyone caring enough about him for him to understand that ANYONE would worry about him and his wellbeing......as did his child and youth care worker. I excused myself. Said there would be a 5 minute break; went out onto the verandah and cried.

A boy's family of 3, got killed in a car accident. He acted out at school which threatened expulsion. At our enquiry, he said, "I don't care, What do I have to live for?"......I cried. That "nothing to lose, don't care "...was just so sad,...scary and so very dangerous.

We stopped having "disciplinary enquiries". Instead we held "incident discussion meetings"which changed the tone and the nature of what we did.....more in line with restorative justice and restitution. I was sure that those big guys would experience any tears as weakness and an inability to provide FIRST for their needs.

When we were to leave the Children's Home for another work appointment the community of children were given 6 months notice. A Psychologist helped with the termination process It was all carefully, professionally and strategically planned . Two days before we were due t leave, 3 girls cut their wrists that night. When I reported. the next day at the final Board Meeting.... I openly broke down !!!! I was SO embarrassed! Professionals JUST DON'T DO THAT !!!! .. or do we?

Are we allowed to cry as professional child and youth care workers? We developed a protocol. Yes, but in private. And yet,,,, I saw times when tears seemed to add something to a moment of caring,...... not that often, I must however say. 

Then again, I saw what I called "unfortunate tears", moments of anger, frustration, disappointment. Often when child and youth care workers experienced the organisation ( or me!), as not providing enough support after difficult experiences.These tears seem to talk of the caring community, the therapeutic milieu and personal supportive supervision. I was fortunate in having really good intra-personal supervision. On a contract basis with a Board member. I received excellent supportive personal supervision from a psychologist and the from a past Director of a Place of Safety. This, believe me, helps ....no... it is essential when living a life close to tears as we do as child and youth care professionals.

We all know that tears are healthy, it's just that we are not expected to let our personal emotions interfere with our first responsibility.This is REALLY DIFFICULT ...We have to sort out our sympathy from our empathy. But, if you must, if you can, cry in supervision, ..and rather not in a glass enclosed duty room