DEAR YOGESHREE
You received a series of letter about 'working from the inside out' in trying to find meaning in children and young persons behaviour. It was a thought that maybe there were 'windows' into understanding behaviour if we looked also at finding meaning through what was happening to us in any life-space incident.
The idea came from the view that our own feelings can be a measure of what is happening in the young person. So the next few letters have "feelings ... ours and the child's as a central theme. and anger seemed to be a good place to start. Actually I found it useful when emotions were explained as different from feelings... This explanation gave me some help in being to discriminate, fine tune and to name a range of more subtle, nuanced feelings instead of just lumping them altogether as "anger" for example. Anger is the emotion. The feeling or package of feelings are the ingredient feelings that are often expressed as an emotion.
I also started to learn that, frequently when I could really tune into my feelings in a life-space moment with children and young persons, and name them, then I was often paralleling inside of me, the real feelings of the child , instead of just experiencing their display as a single undifferentiated emotional expression. and reacting to the display and not to the real goings on inside the child
There were times when my feelings gave me insight into what was really really going on in the child - a deep empathy as it were, and times when my feelings were connected in only with what the behaviour had triggered in me , and times when both these feeling experiences happened at the same time. In these moments I had to sort out very quickly... this is me.. this is the child
Eish! as we say in Africa !!!.... this work of child and youth care is really very difficult !!!
"Angry, threatening and demanding " was what they said . " You had better come quick" The usual phone call.
"What kind of fucking place is this? Mr Lodge are you mad or something ? . I'll fuck up that stupid child care worker now !!"
It was easy to understand why the weekend relief worker had phoned for help .Dennis was a large sixteen year old very muscular and very blonde. Every teenage girls dream date.
Dennis was very concerned about his looks and his body. he would flick his longish blonde hair whith practiced artistry. Usually very charming he relied on his good looks and charm to get his own way. The young female black worker apparently didn't fall for it and when she told him that he had to make his own way home that Saturday afternoon she added that I had made made it clear that the mini-bus combi was not to be used as a taxi.
Dennis' veneer of charm fell away.
Still bristling up and measuring himself against me, he shouted, " You tell that black bitch to take me home in the mini-bus combi. She knows how to drive and she knows how to get there, !!
'Home' was on "the plots' in a semi rural country area outside of the big city. Now at last I knew what this was all about. I had come in at the tail end of a power struggle.
Dennis blew himself up big, and puffing up his already muscular body, he raised his voice to shouting pitch .
He usually din't go home Although the social worker took him there more than once. He usually played cricket or rugby for the school close to the group home.
Now he was on the balls of his feet with his fists up, face distorted . It was frustration.
"Tell that fucking maid to take me home in the combi!. What's the combi there for? It's just standing there doing nothing. The combi is there for the children - right? So tell her to take me home"
Suddenly inside of me there was a passing moment of feelings. On the one hand I was a little afraid ,not much, because my the dominant range of feeling was fear, embarrassment a strong sense of a loss of ego, of frustration and helplessness... feeling trapped. And I knew he wouldn't hurt me,. but I didn't really understand it.
" You've known since Thursday that you were going home this weekend. You were given the money . The whole thing was discussed with you and you were given the money to catch the train"
I walked away deliberately to say that the conversation was over and I sat down in the lounge, somewhat out of the way but close enough to watch what would happen next. I had to be disconnected I thought, but I need to be on hand in case the behaviour escalated.
Dennis went to his bedroom, punctuating his journey with muffled expletives
On Monday morning I got a telephone call from the the regular worker.
"Dennis did not go home this weekend. We understand that he blew a fuse and threatened everyone including you "
"Yes"
"He's calmed down now and he's apologised to everyone. He wants to apologise to you"
"It's OK"
"We were able to talk it through this morning. We just thought that you would want to know...............
"We just found out"
" Dennis doesn't know how to use any of the public transport systems.. He doesn't know how to catch a train, or use a taxi"
Love
Barrie
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