DEAR YOGESHREE
Tammy at six and a good half was to be transferred to another Children's Home in another city
Part of the rites and ritual of disengagement entailed the collection and putting together of memorabilia. You know, taking something of the past with you. So, time was spent going through bits and pieces that made up her life story.... especially photographs. During this exercise, Tammy gave me a school photograph of herself so that I would have a transitional object too! .It was by far the worst photo of her that any lousy school photographer could have produced. In it her face was screwed up in one of her special 'get off my back' expressions asif she was gearing up to tell the nice photographer where exactly to get off, but at the same time to try to comply. It was a photograph of the best of times and the worst of times and that was fair I suppose. I felt sure it was one she chose not to be included in her package anyway. At the time it thrilled me considerably. Tammy had given ME a transitional object and without any prompting.
It was all carefully worked out.I was to transport her to the next town from where the State procedures for the transportation of children was organised.. So Tammy and I traveled 300 kilometers together leaving so early in the morning that she would sleep most of the way and arrive in time for breakfast. I had done this before, so I knew exactly how it worked. When you get there the staff don't give you time to say long goodbyes. They allow a very hasty 'goodbye' and then whip the child into the areas where the accompanying adult is verboten. So I strategically lingered in the car park with Tammy to prepare her for what was about to happen and what she should expect when we put our feet in the doorway.
"So, Tammy, this is it. You and I will not see each other again now."
'Uncle Barrie"
'Yes Tammy"
" I will never forget you"
" And I wont ever forget you. I have your photograph to remind me too"
No tears, no hysterics. "We did a fairly good job here" , I thought. And she was whipped swiftly into the caverns of the Care Centre.
Ten years later Tammy's name was mentioned very casually at a meeting of child care workers.
"We have someone in our Children's Home I think you know, Looking through the file I came across some reports with your name on them."
There was some discussion about whether it would be in her interests or at least not harmful to her re-unification plans if I visited to say hello after ten years. Tammy was now sixteen and a good half years old.
At last I got a phone call to say that they had prepared her to meet with me.
I got ushered into a counseling room. It had in it two chairs on either side of a set of triangular tables.I sat with my back to the door and waited. The Social Worker opened the door behind me holding Tammy by her arm.
" I believe you know one another" she said. and closed the door.
Tammy looked bewildered and scared.I could see that she didn't have the foggiest idea who I was and quite honestly is she wasn't introduces to me as Tammy, I wouldn't have known her either.
All I wanted to do was to get out of there. So I guessed that was how Tammy felt too.She made her way to the other side of the table and there we were facing each other with no recognition and absolutely nothing to say.. "Hi Tammy, I'm Barrie". We shook hands.
I couldn't believe how big she was. Only now, the image of her photograph started to form slowly behind the teenage face.I saw opposite me until the two faces somehow started to fit. and I realised that this was the Tammy I knew. It was that same expression. .. somewhere between telling this nice man where to get off and trying to comply.
I had lost the Tammy photograph long ago and a strange sense of guilt crept in that I could not produce it and say "Here let me show you"
"Were you at that other place?" Tammy filled the pause and I remembered that she was good that.
"Yes"
" I was there also", she said.
The screwed up face of the school photograph now came sharply into focus as the two Tammys merged.
..... and I knew this was a mistake.
Love
Barrie
.
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